just because...

I know i already made a post today but I just need to write this for me. The pain you feel when you lose someone you love is indescribable. I am here to say that the saying there is a hole in your heart is not just a saying it is a fact. You feel that missing piece every day and its a feeling that makes you stop breathing. It makes you feel sick. Time does not make it easier. I can't even describe how bad it hurts and how nothing in the world could make it better. That hole can never be replaced or patched up it is forever a hole. Sometimes it hurts so bad I feel like nothing in the world could make me happy. But then I think of my family and know I can be happy. Nothing and I mean nothing makes that hole go away. I feel it every day and almost have to gasp because I forget to breathe. This is something I would never wish upon anyone. It is the worst feeling. I want to tell those who know how I feel how sorry I am they have to feel that pain too. I don't mean to make myself sound all depressed but I have never been able to describe how I feel and I think that maybe someday if ever it could be some type of therapy for myself. I love my older brother cody more than anything. I wish every day he was here but then I think how selfish I am he is in heaven happy and free from pain. What more could I want for him? I guess I just wish I could see his smiling face, laugh with him and hug him over and over again. I guess i just wish the pain and the hole weren't there but then I think if there is one thing I can do for my brother is to be happy that he is happy. The pain will never go away but yet you have to move on day by day and eventually the fake smiles turn into real smiles and you learn to live life again. Don't get me wrong life is never the same but you learn to deal with a different normalicy. You learn to notice the smaller things in life and try to know what you have before its gone. There will forever be a place in my heart for you Cody! I love you with all of my heart and will never forget you or anything about you. You will always be in my heart, thoughts, and prayers! Love you co co!