Two Years

On March 11th it had been two years with out our Cody. Its hard to even explain my feelings, but I'll do my best. How can the day we lost Cody seem like forever ago, but yet just yesterday at the same time?? It seems like its been a century since I've seen his cute face, given him a hug, heard his laugh, pulled on his long beard or received a giant surprise kp from him. At the same time the wounds are still fresh. Every single moment about that day is forever engraved in my memory. I remember every detail and emotion we felt like it was just yesterday. It still hurts and I know now it will continue to hurt the rest for our lives. We will always miss him no matter what! When we are together as a family we will always still feel his absense. He is always missing. The service and Christ like life he led will always push me to be a better person. I admire him so much. I want nothing more than to be less judgemental, more kind, and reach out to others who may be suffering just like he was. He will always be one of my heros'. Now that he is now gone I feel more of a desire than ever to be the best I can be. I hope I can be a more compassionate person, and learn to truly love everyone, just like Cody did. I miss you every day big brother! Thank you for being such a good example in your short life. I love you SO much!

why.

This week I have missed my brother Cody so so so much. I was jammin' out to my ipod this morning and "why" by rascal flatts came on. This song came out right before Cody passed away. When I lived in St. George song #11("why") was on constant repeat in my car for probably a solid month straight. I love this song... and somedays I just wonder why? and even more than that I truly wonder "Was there anything I could have said or done?" I just miss you big brother. I know you're happy and free from pain, and because of that I continue smiling every day. See you soon...but until then, I'll keep missing you!

It must've been in a place so dark you couldn't feel the light
Reachin' for you through that stormy cloud
Now here we are gathered in our little hometown
This can't be the way you meant to draw a crowd

Oh, why? That's what I keep askin'
Was there anything I could have said or done?
Oh, I had no clue you were masking
A troubled soul, God only knows what went wrong
And why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song

Now in my mind I keep you frozen as a seventeen year old
Roundin' third to score the winning run
You always played with passion no matter what the game
When you took the stage, you shined just like the sun

Oh, why? That's what I keep askin'
And was there anything I could have said or done?
Oh, I had no clue you were masking
A troubled soul, oh, God only knows what went wrong
And why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song

Now the oak trees are swayin' in the early autumn breeze
The golden sun is shining on my face
The tangled thoughts I hear a mockingbird sing
This old world really ain't that bad a place

Oh, why? There's no comprehending
And who am I to try to judge or explain?
Oh, but I do have one burning question
Who told you life wasn't worth the fight?
They were wrong, they lied, and now you're gone, and we cried

'Cause it's not like you to walk away in the middle of a song
Your beautiful song, your absolutely beautiful song

Thanksgiving was missing one thing...

that cute face there with the beard!! Thanksgiving was great like always but once again it wasn't quite the same with out that adorable brother of mine! I love you Cody, hope you had an incredible Thanksgiving... just know you were MISSED so much, you are always always missed! Can't wait to start saving all my coins for our "Cody Coins"... We will tell you more about that come Christmas!




Bring on the Christmas Music!!!

[three]

I cannot quite find words to say how grateful I am for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I love it, I know with out a doubt it is true, it has enriched and blessed every day of my life!

take two

FRIENDS... I must be the luckiest girl ever, because not only do I have the world's best family, I have the world's best friends:) I could go on forever about each person. Today I'm just going to say how grateful I am for each friend that has come and gone, or even stayed. You all know who you are. Each friend has made a huge impact on my life, and I can never thank you enough. I love the lyrics to the song "For Good" from the Broadway musical Wicked. They truly apply to my life, and the people I have met thus far...

I've heard it said That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better
And because I knew you...
Because I knew you...
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good.

Thankful November

"have an attitude of gratitude..."- President Thomas S. Monson
Every year when November comes around I realize even more how much I truly have... so I decided I should do a post every day this month saying something I am grateful for. I'm sure i'll miss some days, but I'm going to really try and stick with this. It probably wont be interesting to anyone, but I love to look back and remind myself how blessed I have been! Hope you all have a fantastic November!

Day one: FAMILY. I have the best family ever! I know everyone says this about their own family, but they are wrong. My family is the BEST! I have the worlds greatest parents who teach, love, support and encourage each one of us. I have the most amazing siblings... if you were a stranger listening to us talk to each other you may beg to differ. ha we definitely speak our minds, and joke about 90% of the time, but the bottom line is we love each other, and would do anything for each other. I have fabulous sibling in laws, and wouldn't trade a one of them. Last but not least I have the cutest most special niece and nephews in the entire world! I can't think of a better thought then to know that I will be with all of them for ETERNITY:)



Had to add in this little bit older photo because our family isn't complete with out that cute bearded boy in the middle! We love and miss you Cody, and cannot wait to be reunited with you one day!

missing...

HIM. today, and every day...

he was one of my best friends, and still is.
hahaha I miss these days so bad. I love you big brother!

Dear Co Co:

Its been way too long since I've written you. Please don't think a day goes by that I don't think about you and miss you, I always will. I'm sorry I let so much time go by with out writing about you. You are in my thoughts constantly. I have to say life has been better for me lately. Its not to say I miss you less I have just gotten better at remembering you would want me to be happy! I miss everything about you! I can't wait until we can be reunited again. Families are forever, and I promise you I will do my part so I can live with you and our family for eternity! I'm glad Papa is there to keep you company, has he stopped talking yet?? I highly doubt it! ha well sweet brother I love you and miss you!! xoxo please watch over us, and be there for Maddens baptism this summer! He has struggled knowing you wont be there in person but we know you'll be there in spirit!
I LOVE YOU
may

One year...

Its been one year since our sweet brother Cody left us. It has been an extremely hard year... too hard to put into words. Not a day went by this whole year that I didn't think of him and miss him. I keep saying to myself day after day that I just plain and simple wish he was here. Wish he was seeing us all grow up and experience new things as a family. Wish he was here to hug me. Wish he was here to make me laugh on those hard days. I think its finally hit me that he's not here and that he's not going to be here. That thought alone is SO hard. I wish I could have helped him some how, I wish I would have known how bad he was hurting and in pain. I wish I would have taken more time to share my feelings of the gospel with him. I wish I could have hugged him one last time and convinced him to change his mind. I know I will still always have those days where I'll wish he was here, but for now I am so glad he is where he is. I hope and pray everyday that he has found peace and is happy. There are so many things I wish I could change or things I wish I would have done before he left us but I can't, I can't go back and fix those things and make them better. I now more than ever want to be like my brother and to make him proud. I want to not have regrets and feel guilt. I want to live each day being happy and serving others, because thats what he would want me to do. I want to make a change in the way I live. A change for the better.
How grateful I am for family and friends that made this hard year just a little bit easier. I am thankful for all the prayers on behalf of our family, Heavenly Father is real and he does answer prayers. I know that families can be together forever, for eternity. I know we will see Cody again some day and this gives me the most comfort of all. This gives me the courage to be a little better and to try harder everyday to do my part. I hope and pray this year will be filled with more happiness and peace for my family. That we will all be able to use this hard trial we have been through to help others in need. I want to thank my parents for being the best parents any kids could ask for. They are so strong, and are such amazing examples to all of us. I love you mom and dad! I also want to thank my siblings for being the best siblings out there, and for being there for me always! I love each and every one of you! I know we will always have ups and downs but I hope this year will be filled with more ups. We love you Cody and miss you everyday! Every time I smile I am smiling for you. I want you to be happy and for all of us to be happy!
I love you CoCo!

-families can be together forever-

This to me is the most comforting thing in life right now. Every time I hear, sing(try to sing), or think about this song I honestly have to hold back tears. It brings real tears of joy to me. I love it! I love everything about this song, the lyrics couldn't be more perfect. I am so grateful for the promises made that we can be together FOREVER as a family. What could bring more peace and happiness than that promise? I wish everyone could know and feel how amazing this promise is in their own life. I am beyond grateful and blessed to know without a doubt this promise is true! I love my family!

Today I Miss...

My sweet brother Cody's smile.

His smile could change the world.
His laugh always made me laugh.
He was the best brother any little sister could ask for.
Thanks for being the best example and sweetest brother on this earth.
I will love you forever. Don't you ever forget!
I wish you were here so I could see your smile and hear your laugh.
I miss it, I miss everything about you. Be at peace brother.
I love you.
May

p.s. I miss pulling on your big thick beard and always
getting a good reaction from you:)

Merry Christmas Co Co!

Christmas will never be the same with out you here. It doesn't feel right or normal. and to be honest i HATED it. I didn't hate Christmas I hated that you weren't here. Its not fair. I was sitting there Christmas eve and just started bawling... I miss you and I wished more than anything you could be here with us. Christmas eve and Christmas day came with many many tears this year for all of us. I never thought the day would come that I would shed a tear on this day but it happened and I felt like it was ok. It was ok because you weren't there we all had every right to cry and be sad! Oh how I wish you were still here hanging out with us on the couch, eating breakfast with us girls and mom and dad, opening presents on Christmas eve, getting annoyed my all of cads piano playing, laughing with us, giving me a big Christmas hug, relieving mom by helping with all the food( you were our own personal cook), helping the little boys with their new toys, laughing with us as macks and marley played with otis for hours(i hope you saw from heaven and were smiling), and just plain and simple being there with us. Life isn't the same with out you and it never will be. I have officially decided tears are now ok on Christmas. I love you big brother and miss you like crazy not a day goes by we don't miss you! I hope you are at peace in heaven. There are so many things I still want to know all the answers to, but I need to be patient I know one day I will be able to understand. I hope you cooked one heck of a prime rib in heaven... ours wasn't the same with out your touch, although mom and dad did a FABULOUS job!! I will forever love you Co co! Merry Christmas big brother we sure missed you!

dear cody up in heaven:

So I was thinking how silly I am for never asking you to relay the message up in heaven that I hate the snow and would really appreciate it if it would go away. I'm sure you have an in, so could you please do me this one tiny favor please please please big brother?? I wish you were here... I miss the winter time when I would walk outside my car would be all cleared off, warm and started for me. You have always been such a sweet caring person and brother. I never said thank you quite enough, and I don't think I ever gave you quite enough hugs. I wish I could hug you today and every day! This past few months have been EXTREMELY hard and I can't quite put my finger on why now... but just know I think of you every day and cry many times a week because I miss you! I sure love you! Thank you for being the most Christ like person and for helping me to be a better each and every day. I try hard to be the type of person you are and I hope you can look down and be proud of me. Nothing would mean more than to know you are proud of me. I feel like I am crushed inside some days and I wish the feeling would go away but I have come to realize it will never go away. I will miss you every day for the rest of my life. I still don't understand why people say time heals everything... it is very FALSE time heals nothing. Well I can't quite see through the tears now so I guess its time to stop. I love you Coco, and hope I can one day be half the person you were! p.s. don't forget to relay the message please!!!
love your may

my sweet brother

Coco I miss you so bad! last night I just laid in my bed and cried I wish you were here and I hate so bad that you are gone. I hate to see mom and dad or any of the other kids struggle and miss you it absolutely kills me. I just wish I could take the pain away from all of us. I think lately we have all struggled more than normal and I just can't find out why... all I know is we all miss you like crazy and not a day goes by that I don't think of you and wonder how you are doing and if you are happy and free from pain or sadness. I love you my sweet brother can't wait until we can all be together again! Please watch over us!
love you
may

You're in trouble.

Cody you're in trouble, its been almost seven months and i STILL miss you!!!! I got asked night by some good friends how i have been doing and started to cry, and its because i miss you SO much! Sometimes i just can't hold in the tears. I pray everyday for you, and i hope you know how much i miss and love you! I will always love and miss you don't you ever forget that! I have good days and bad days, but lately its been more of bad days. I miss you like crazy and wish you were here!! when i get to heaven (that is if i make it there) i am going to give you the biggest KP(kidney punch) you have ever received for making me have to miss you this much! love you big brother.
your best buddy and little sister
may

p.s. winter is coming what will we do with out you plowing the driveway everyday?? if you could please help out that would be great you know how much i HATE snow. haha thanks and love you!

i will always miss you...

Its been a little over six months since cody died. I have had a real tough week and have been missing him a lot. I always miss him but its been extra hard these last few days maybe its hitting me more that he wont ever be back and that when i get married and have kids and a husband they will never know my sweet brother cody. I never want to forget anything about him so i decided today i should make a list of things i miss about my co co. here goes...
* first i love my broter cody more than anything and miss him like crazy!!
* i miss his bear hugs, he would always give the best hugs, and it always made my bad days better.
* his laugh was so contagious, and even if i was being a brat he could make me laugh.
* he was always serving everyone around him. i remember one day in particular... i had just gotten out of the shower for the day when surprise it decided to snow like a foot. i was being my usual self and complainig about having to scrape all the snow off my car. By the time i got finished getting ready and went outside co co was just finishing scraping all the snow off my car and had it running and warm for me. I'm not sure why but as i drove away i started to cry he always knew how to serve and never wanted to be acknowledged or given praise.
* we were the first to invent the KP (kidney punch) anytime we walked past eachother and the other persons back was turned we never failed to give a good hard kidney punch. as much as i hated them i miss them now.
* I loved how we both hated when caddy would play the same songs on the piano over and over and we sit there with each other and die laughing. we'd then continute to laugh when we passed each other later in the day and caught ourselves singing the same dang song! ha
* i miss pounding on his wall during the late hours of the night cause i'd hear him laughing outloud at some tv show and i couldn't sleep.
* i miss hearing his fan in his bathroom go all day and mostly all night long. I am weird and a little bit of a scardy cat and if i'd wake up from a nightmare, or wake up thinking i heard someone. if his fan was on i knew he was there, and that he would always protect me no matter what. i loved having his room right near mine.
* i loved how when he would get mad at me he would clench his teeth down and talk through his teeth it would always make me laugh.
* i miss what a great cook he was he always had great healthy facts, or something new for me to try.
* I loved coming home from college and running right up to his room and pounding on the door. he'd respond with " what do you want?" ha it would always make me laugh he'd end up letting me in and giving me a big hug. although he would claim he never missed me i know he did :)
* i miss having him here at home, we became best friends and would always pick on each other.
* i miss watching the cooking channel, the dog whisper, and professional soccer with him.
* i miss how handy he was and how he could fix or build ANYTHING.
* I miss the times he took me driving when i was just young and helping me learn stick too.
* i miss joking with him and laughing for minutes about the most lame things.
* i miss how christ like he was and how he would always help me remember not to judge others.
* I miss getting in the jeep and smelling him and otis, and having the radio set to hilarious channels.
* i loved how he loved otis and i now try to love and take care of him like cody did cause i know he would be so proud of me.
* i loved how he would tell me i looked cute or he liked my hair. not many brothers do that often and it always made me feel so good when he did.
* i miss his huge beard.
* i miss how smart he was and no matter what question i had he knew the answer or he would find it.
* mainly i just miss everything about him i miss his smile, his hiking boots with his tall socks, his favorite brown jacket, his tan beanie, and his bent pinky.
Co Co i love and miss everything about you and i never want to forget anything about you!! Please find yourself a beautiful wife and be happy! never forget how much cailey may misses you every day!! I LOVE YOU BIG BROTHER!

just because...

I know i already made a post today but I just need to write this for me. The pain you feel when you lose someone you love is indescribable. I am here to say that the saying there is a hole in your heart is not just a saying it is a fact. You feel that missing piece every day and its a feeling that makes you stop breathing. It makes you feel sick. Time does not make it easier. I can't even describe how bad it hurts and how nothing in the world could make it better. That hole can never be replaced or patched up it is forever a hole. Sometimes it hurts so bad I feel like nothing in the world could make me happy. But then I think of my family and know I can be happy. Nothing and I mean nothing makes that hole go away. I feel it every day and almost have to gasp because I forget to breathe. This is something I would never wish upon anyone. It is the worst feeling. I want to tell those who know how I feel how sorry I am they have to feel that pain too. I don't mean to make myself sound all depressed but I have never been able to describe how I feel and I think that maybe someday if ever it could be some type of therapy for myself. I love my older brother cody more than anything. I wish every day he was here but then I think how selfish I am he is in heaven happy and free from pain. What more could I want for him? I guess I just wish I could see his smiling face, laugh with him and hug him over and over again. I guess i just wish the pain and the hole weren't there but then I think if there is one thing I can do for my brother is to be happy that he is happy. The pain will never go away but yet you have to move on day by day and eventually the fake smiles turn into real smiles and you learn to live life again. Don't get me wrong life is never the same but you learn to deal with a different normalicy. You learn to notice the smaller things in life and try to know what you have before its gone. There will forever be a place in my heart for you Cody! I love you with all of my heart and will never forget you or anything about you. You will always be in my heart, thoughts, and prayers! Love you co co!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Happy happy birthday to carl and our cody! Cody we miss you more than words can explain! We sure wish you were here today to celebrate with us! Your friends and family in heaven better throw you one rockin party! ha LOVE you! Dearest carl LOVE you my bestest friend in the whole world hope you know what a great sister you are and how glad i am we are sisters! Ha for this one day i will forget all the mean things you have done to me! ha just kidding! but i love you lots and hope you have the happiest and best birthday ever! LOVE you both sooooo much!


Love and Miss you Co Co!


Love you Sista Friend!